However, for the past year or so, I cannot really claim to have done much encouraging. I am sure that you have all enjoyed seeing pictures of my family and hearing about what goes on in our crazy lives. But the truth is, that is not really why I have this blog. I could do all of the above on Facebook (which I do not have). No, this blog was started at a time when my life was very focused. I was focused on finding truths from God's Word that would help me to grow closer to Him. If you look back, the first year or two of postings are full of scripture and truths that God offers so freely. Lately, that has been missing.
This is not because I have stopped searching for these truths or because God has stopped supplying them. It is because I made a conscience effort to not share with you the "real" stuff that has been going on in my life. And that was not because I did not want you to know, but because I did not want ME to know!
A few years back I made a decision. It was a pretty big life decision and I did it because I knew in my head that it would be the best thing for my family. It was, in fact, a good thing; an opportunity that seemed like it had been placed in my lap for the taking. I was right in the middle of one wonderful mountain top experience with God when I knew exactly how real He was and exactly what it felt like to know Psalm 37:4 fulfilled in my life {Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart}. My daughter's health had been restored, my marriage never better, and I felt like everything was heading in the right direction. Then the real test of faith came.
See, it was in no way difficult to be faithful and fully rely on my Savior when He was my only hope. But then, I was offered the opportunity to live a happy and comfortable life. Free from worry, free from stresses I had in the past, and full of opportunity to make something important of myself. When this opportunity was given to me and I had a decision to make. I could take this life changing opportunity immediately, or wait patiently and listen to what God was laying on my heart.
The confession of this post it to say, with much regret that I choose the first. I jumped on this opportunity only looking to what God was going to do for us in the future. I knew that several doors would have to be opened for this to work out and if they did...I would give all the glory to God! Sounds great huh. Well, the problem was that I never took the time to make sure this was the path God would want for me {and my family}. I did what others expected me to do; what I thought was best for my family. Those doors I mentioned, they did in fact open but with much anguish. Again, I believe God gave me the opportunity to listen to the Holy Spirit telling me this was not God's "perfect plan" but I moved forward. I even got others in on the prayers for this to all work out. And it did. And I praised God.
This "opportunity" has become the single most cumbersome burden I have ever carried in my life. How, you might ask, could such a God given opportunity be a burden. Well...that's easy. I now believe that it was never in God's plan for me to pursue this opportunity...or at least at this time in my life. Recently a very divine set of cirumstances took place. Things that you would not believe if I told you. And since I cannot really give details at this time I will do my best to explain...
So the "opportunity" required me to do a checklist of things. And I did them. One by one as painstaking as they were I completed the tasks as they were presented to me. One of them was a really important thing that without which, the opportunity might very well go away. I did it an although it was important it was not at all difficult.
A few weeks ago, I got a call stating that I did not do this important thing. No problem, I thought, because after all, I did do this thing {without which the opportunity might go away}. Well, after much anguish, many phone calls and many sleepless nights, I realized that it was a big deal and it appeared to all parties {except me} that I did not do this important thing. I looked like a liar.
This horrible tragedy must have been of satan. I mean he was trying to rob me of this opportunity when God had been so gracious to give it to me in the first place. I prayed. "God, do not let satan win this. Do not make we look like a liar when clearly I am not. I did do the really important thing that I had to do so why is this happening to me?"
Over then next few days I spent much time in scripture. Everything was about lying and listening to God and fulfilling your call. I felt the Holy Spirit tell me..."you are a liar." This shocked me. I knew {and still know} that I did not lie about what happened with the really important thing. I also know what Titus 1:2 says...GOD DOES NOT LIE! So what was God trying to tell me?
I figured it out pretty quickly, but I was NOT ready to admit it. Not to anyone...
See, I had been lying for a long time. I had been lying when I told everyone that I was sure this opportunity was God's will. I was lying because I never really asked Him. I just began praying for Him to work it out like He owed it to me; how ridiculous and sad. I lied and tried to ignore the fact that it was a direct act of favoritism that brought me the opportunity in the first place. And the worst of all {at least to me personally} what that I lied to my family, my husband, and even to myself that this opportunity was what I wanted to do. In fact, it was not...
I mean part of me did...the wrong part. The part that wanted to do better {materially} for my family. The part of me that wanted status and reward for myself. That part of me wanted this opportunity.
But the other part of me did not. The part that seeks to honor God, who seeks to fully seek His will...did not. The part who wants what is absolutely best {spiritually} for my family did not. The part that wants to spend less time pursuing status and things of this world in order to spend more time focus on sharing God's love, mercy, and grace...did not. And here is the kicker...
If you don't get anything else from this, please listen to me now. When God saves us He saves us from our flesh {aka the part of me that did want the opportunity}. I do not understand exactly why, but He chooses to leave with us the very part of us that He saves us from. While we are redeemed, He leaves in us that old nature that requires us to deny our flesh in order to fully follow after Him. And, as I have discovered, it is only in fully seeking after Him and deciding to listen to His council that we can find fulfillment.
I have now admitted to myself and my husband that I lied. That the "real" me did not want this opportunity nor the life, stress, or other "stuff" that it brought. I have apologized for seeking after the wrong things in life and therefore bringing the consequences of sin into our lives. I have more importantly recommitted to following after my Lord and Savior.I have confessed to Him my shortcomings and find myself in a place of grace and comfort. But I know I can't stay here long.
God did not save me to be safe and comfortable. I feel great changes on the horizon for my family. I have no idea what they are...but that is what faith is all about. I covet your prayers during this time in our lives. God has blessed us in innumerable ways and I praise Him for that!
One of my biggest fears in sharing has been that I would be labeled a failure on many levels. I am no longer afraid of that because I know that I am more that the sum of mistakes I make in my life. I am more than the number of times I choose not to follow His direction. I am the child of the King and His blood has been, is now, and will always be sufficient!
I leave you with the most precious song...
He's still working on me.
To make me what I ought to me.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars,
the sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving an patient He must be...
Cause He's still working on me!
There really ought to be
A sign upon my heart
"Don't Judge Me Yet There's and Unfinished Part!"
But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned my the Master's loving hand!
